Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize