2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
