I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
