This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
