I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
