OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
