i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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