I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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