Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
