no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
