My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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