Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
