we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
