I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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