her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
