I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
