I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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