Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
