You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
