God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize