Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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