I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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