Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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