I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize