The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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