I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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