I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
