I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
