My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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