Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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