he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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