Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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