And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
