Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This is the high leading the old right now
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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