Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
