Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
