So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
