I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
