My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize