for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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