"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
