I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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