3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
This girl is more easily done than said...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
