Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
