you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize