Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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