There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
