Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize