Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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