Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
