sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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