I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
