one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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