I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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