did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My bed smells like the plague
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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