i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
