he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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