just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize