I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
